Cote of many flavours: Yes, it's a chain. But the food at its bistro in Tunbridge Wells left me far from disgusted
Published: 22:00 BST, 19 October 2013 | Updated: 22:00 BST, 19 October 2013





The British chain restaurant.

For many, barely edible despair clad in corporate robes, a place where joy and good taste come to die.


But surely, in this enlightened gastronomic age, there must be exceptions, decent, affordable chow joints which require neither bulging wallets nor a cross-country mission that would put The Odyssey to shame.



So in the first of an occasional series, I'm off to tread the high roads and high streets of our sceptred isle in search of mass-market delight. And where better to start than Tunbridge Wells?
The food at Côte is fine.

Moules are fat and fresh, frites crisp and hot. The sauce is a little wan, milky rather than creamy. And under-seasoned too

Apparently, the residents are angry at being known for being ‘disgusted'. 


A small but vocal group of number-crunchers, pulpit-slappers, gavel-bashers and retired rear admirals have had it up to here with those lefty, metropolitan sneers.

Which paint them as pink-gin-swilling, Middle England reactionaries who feel that the country has gone downhill ever since we carved up India.

And they're planning to pen a furious letter to the Telegraph, pointing out in no uncertain terms that from now on they should be known as ‘Delighted of Tunbridge Wells'.

Good luck to them, I say, as Tunbridge Wells turns out to be perfectly pleasant, thank you very much.




And on a strangely sultry October day, it seems neat, prosperous and leafy.

Côte's tuna nicoise, but you don't come here for an insight into the idiosyncrasies of French regional cuisine

Which is exactly how I want my royal spa towns.

It's the sort of place where Jilly Goolden, David Gower and Virginia Wade, famous denizens all, could be found having a chinwag over a chilled glass of Sauvignon Blanc.


As for that less than salubrious trio of Jeff Beck, Shane MacGowan and Sid Vicious… well, any sensible history would not just airbrush them out, but sandblast their names from the town's roll of honour.

Dirty longhairs, the lot of them.

Michael Bublé has more talent in his small toe than the whole sordid bunch.


Sorry, where was I? Ah yes - Tunbridge Wells. And, after an agreeable stroll from the railway station, Côte, a chain of French bistros with its eye on some serious expansion. They're popular, too.


And it's not hard to see why.

The room is bright, well scrubbed and unthreatening, a ‘faux' brasserie serving a menu of Gallic greatest hits.
I wouldn't seek Cote out in London or Edinburgh or Leeds.

But were I stuck in Windsor, Salisbury or Chichester, I would return

It's like driving around a culinary safari park, with the windows firmly closed. ‘Ooh, look - there's the salade niçoise.

And isn't that a Breton chicken?'


There are other dishes with more tenuous links to France: linguine with seafood, smoked salmon and deep-fried calamari. But you don't come to Côte for an insight into the idiosyncrasies of French regional cuisine.

Côte

71-73 Mount Pleasant Road, Tunbridge Wells, Kent, TN1 1PX 01892 540 215


Mon-Fri 8am-11pm,


Sat 9am-11pm,


Sun 9am-10.30pm ★★★★★

I'm there at lunch on a Monday, one of the least busy sittings of the entire week.

But the place is rammed, properly heaving.

The hubbub is well brought up, though, with barely a raised voice.


Well, save that of the bearded prat next to me bawling ‘Perfecto, buddy, perfecto' into his mobile phone.



There are gangs of office workers, and quartets of nice ladies clad in nice flowered blouses.

FROM THE MENUMOULES MARINERE          £5.95
FRITES                                £2.95
PISSALADIERE                   £3.35
STEAK TARTARE                £6.75

CHARGRILLED CHICKEN  £9.95

Young folk, older types, the whole British buffet.

And not one of them disgusted. No sir. They're all grinning and gossiping and chewing and slurping. The place has a heart.

Service is smiling and well drilled, water ‘complimentary'. (Ugh! Why can't it just be ‘free'?)

As for the food?
It's fine. Moules are fat and fresh, frites crisp and hot. The sauce is a little wan, milky rather than creamy. And under-seasoned too. But I've had far, far worse.
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Pissaladière, a Niçois classic that should be made with thick bread dough, a hefty splodge of sweet, slow-cooked onions, olives and anchovy, is perfectly OK.

The pastry is thin and brittle, the anchovies and olives far too well behaved.

Nothing to frighten the natives, but at just over £3, it's a decent plate of food.


Just like the steak tartare. OK, so the texture is slightly ragged and clumsy, but at least the beef (good quality, with all fat and sinew removed) was cut by hand.
The capers lack kick, and again, it's under-seasoned.


But it's bound in the requisite sticky gloop of raw egg yolk. And Tabasco and Worcestershire sauce arrive unbidden, allowing one to pimp to one's heart's content.


Chargrilled chicken is the only real bore.

I half-expected some burnished hen, with crisp skin and succulent, fecund flesh below.

But it's very dull indeed, the skin grim and slippery, the corn-fed meat utterly lacking in character, save an off-putting tinge of carbon.

Like sucking on a J-cloth that's just been used to clean the barbecue.



The meat is certainly bursting with juice. But it's juice that tastes like the square root of bugger all.


That's the low point. Although it isn't actively repellent, just distinctly below average.

The rest is respectable. Not memorable, but decent French-ish food at very decent prices.


I wouldn't seek it out in London or Edinburgh or Leeds. But were I stuck in Windsor, Salisbury or Chichester, I would return.


Not quite delighted.
But far from disgusted.

Lunch for two, minus drinks and service: approx £35

FIVE MORE TO TRY
Other brasserie options around the UK



LA PERLE
HAMPSHIRE

60 High Street, Milford on Sea, Lymington, SO41 0QD, 01590 643557, laperlemilford.co.uk

La Perle has a £10 prix fixe menu of stonking value, plus an à la carte menu of real bistro food.

Rabbit terrine, moules marinière, poule au pot and steak frites.




LA BRASSERIE

LONDON


272 Brompton Road, SW3 2AW, 020 7581 3089, labrasserielondon.com

A proper brasserie, right down to the brisk and brusque service.

But classics like steak tartare, onion soup, snails and plateaux de fruits de mer are spot on. Always busy.



LA GARRIGUE
EDINBURGH

31 Jeffrey Street, EH1 1DH, 0131 557 3032, lagarrigue.co.uk
Ballottines, daubes, terrines, timbales and soupes de poissons pepper the menu here, and the quality is high.

There's no poncery, or showing off - just.


DIDIER & STEPHANIE
SWANSEA

56 St Helen's Road, SA1 4BE, 01792 655603

A proper neighbourhood bistro, this seats just 20, but dishes such as rabbit casserole with prunes, boeuf bourguignon and tarte Tatin use the best local ingredients.





CHEZ ELLES
LONDON

45 Brick Lane, E1 6PU, 020 7247 9699, chezellesbistroquet.co.uk

Rather incongruously situated among the curry houses of Brick Lane, Chez Elles serves up proper bistro classics - rich rillettes, charcuterie, onion soup, terrines and serious cheese.



LOCAL HEROWOODALL'S, MANCHESTER

Woodall's has been in business for nearly two centuries, using traditional techniques and proper British pork to create very serious British charcuterie.

Their cooked hams, fresh sausages and bacon are among the best around, but you have to try their air-dried beauties too, from Cumbrian salami to smoked pancetta. Superb. woodalls charcuterie.co.uk










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